Since Tamboosh is with us in the land of no internet this week, we had to go old-school and buy a copy of Music Week (the UK version of Billboard). We thought it would be an easy way to check out this week’s UK charts and share our witty comments with you, gentle readers.

We were sadly mistaken. Is there anyone out there that actually understands these charts? Please explain the difference between the Official UK Singles Chart, the Hit 40 UK, the Commercial Pop Top 30, and the Cool Cuts Chart. Doesn’t it sound like those are all the same thing? Some of them have the exact same songs, though in a different order, and the others have different songs altogether. Nowhere in our copy of Music Week (that we could find, at least) does it explain what these charts represent.

We spent at least an hour trying to figure what it all means and gave up feeling completely lost. In total, Music Week contains 38 different charts. Some make perfect sense - TV and Radio Airplay Charts, Urban / Jazz / Classical / etc. Charts - but others are lost on us. If downloads now count toward the Singles Chart, why do we also have separate Top 30 Physical Singles and Top 20 Downloads charts? What are we supposed to learn about physical singles vs. downloads from these lists? Also, why is there yet another chart for European downloads but no other European-based charts anywhere? These are only a sample of our many questions.

So we gave up trying to make sense of it all. Instead of analyzing this week’s vast array of charts, here’s some songs we like that each appear on multiple lists.

   The White Stripes - Icky Thump

The White Stripes’ “Icky Thump” is #25 on the Official UK Singles Chart, #9 on the Top 20 Downloads (but does not appear on the Top 30 Physical Singles or the Hit 40 UK), and #2 on the Top 10 Indie Singles. It’s #15 on the Top 20 European Downloads and #4 (a new entry!) on the Top 20 Realtones list. Icky Thump is #1 on the Top 10 Indie Albums chart but #4 (down from last week’s top spot) on the Official UK Albums chart.

   Jack Penate - Torn On The Platform

Jack Penate is a new entry on the Top 30 Physical Singles list (#7), the Top 20 Downloads (#17), the Hit 40 UK (#7), Top 10 Indie Singles (#1, taking the White Stripes down a notch from last week). But “Torn On The Platform” has already spent two weeks on the Official UK Singles Chart (#7 this week).

   The Enemy - Had Enough

The Enemy, having risen from #51 to #4 during their two weeks’ on the Official UK Singles Chart, are this week’s Highest Climber! They’re also #4 on the Hit 40 UK and #3 on the Top 30 Physical Singles. But downloaders are apparently indifferent to The Enemy, since they’re nowhere to be found on the Top 20 Downloads.

   Rihanna ft. Jay-Z - Umbrella

Rihanna and the not-so-much retired Jay-Z are #1 on nearly all the lists we don’t understand (Top 20 Downloads, Top 20 Realtones, Top 20 European Downloads, Hit 40 UK). However, they’re at a measly #19 on the Commercial Pop Top 30 (dropped from #10) and #2 on both the Physical Singles and Urban Top 30 lists. They’ve also made it to #3 on the Year So Far: Top 20 Singles chart.

In conclusion … we don’t understand.